Now, as we all know, I'm a slight Facebook whore. Yes, I do my part in carefully poring over my friends' friends and everyone-with-whom-I-went-to-highschool's profiles. I like to find out what people are involved with. But mostly, I like to find out how much of a whore everyone from high school has become. This is presented best by the picture.
Type One: The Self- Photo
This is the one that the person clearly took of themselves. It's off-center, badly angled, and usually most of it is obstructed by the giant flash reflected in the mirror. I'm guilty of this myself. Of course, to justify my own horrible flash picture, I've added "OMG!!!!!11" so I can offset the big white explosion-like blob that makes my head look like a top-heavy rocket ship. And it makes people laugh.
Anyway. These pictures are usually taken by people who aren't really that confident in the idea of letting other people have a hand in dictating how their beautiful visage will be captured so as to be pasted on the internet everywhere. So they trust themselves and, digital camera either backwards in hand or pointed at the mirror, they snap a self-conscious picture of themselves and then photo-edit the hell out of it.
Type Two: The Look What I've Done Photo
These ones are the ones which you want to reach through your computer monitor to their face and just bitchslap it like crazy. They are doing everything you wanted to do (or not) and are proving it to everyone. "Look at me! I'm having my photograph taken with Chuck Norris!" "Look at me! Here I am standing in the streets of London!" It makes everyone sick with either jealousy or annoyance.
These people have usually handed the camera to either their mother ("No, I'm not living with her, SHE'S LIVING WITH ME!") or an unwilling tourist that happened to walk by. They (the people, not the tourists) are so afraid that they've faded into the background during high school that they want to brag about everything they've accomplished thus far by putting something SO AWESOME on their Facebook profile to represent themselves.
Type Three: The It's Not Me Photo
Oh we all know these. It's clearly not the person setting up the profile. A photo of a giant Sesame Street Bert holding a screeching baby? A picture of Will Ferrel in "Anchorman"? An artistic shot of some crummy sunset? Their cat? Any way you slice the waffle, it's not them.
These people think one of two things: a) I'm ugly as fuck and don't want to scare everyone from high school into thinking I stayed that way or b) this picture is HILARIOUS and I want everyone from high school to know I'm HILARIOUS as well. Both types are pretentious posers.
Type Four: The I Party A Whole Fuckin' Lot Photo
This is clearly the most common. Someone in a Halloween costume. Someone taking a hit off a beer bong coming out of someone's crotch. Someone hanging off of someone else's shoulder with an ECSTATIC expression on their faces.
They obviously want you to know that they PARTY A LOT and all the parties they go to are OFF THE HIZZLE. They also want you to know that they are cool and always will be - because they know the difference between Peach Schnapp's and fucking Vitamin Water (which is awesome). These are the same people that are likely to list Fall Out Boy as their favorite band, "The Notebook" as their favorite movie, and have no favorite books (because reading is for pussies. And nerds).
Type Five: The This is Me With My Life Partner Photo
They have their arms deftly wrapped around the waist/shoulder of another human being (or sheep) and gaze at the camera or off into the distance as if to say, "I know what love is and I know that you'll never have what I have. We know all the secrets and we'll never share them with you. See the sparkle in our eyes? That's the twinkle of a thousand suns, burning just for my sweetheart. Also, I/my partner have/has a small penis."
Just ignore these. They will all end in divorce within seven years, when the husband realizes that sex with his secretary is indeed the best way to warm up a frosty cold front with the wife. No, it's not a cliche and yes, it happens in real life. To the people who put it on Facebook.
Type Six: The I'm a Stupid Whore/Bastard Grinning Like a Douche Photo
These people just grin like someone planted a fucking set of wax lips (remember those? They rocked) in their mouths. They have the facial expression of "take the fucking picture before I yank your testicles through your nostrils - and you don't have testicles." You can always tell. But by some accident, the picture turned out decent, so they decided to use it. Yay for you! Oh and they're usually holding a beer.
Type Seven: The Group of People of Which I am One of But I'm Not Telling You Who Photo
You know these. There's a bunch of people in the photo, but you don't know who is the actual one we're supposed to think owns the profile. Now naturally we can assume one thing. The person was clearly not proud enough of themselves to draw an artsy little bright orange arrow claiming "ME!" so the profile owner is the most butt-ugly one in the photo. That's right, folks. Look for the chick with snaggle teeth, the guy whose collar isn't popped (because that is the most attractive thing a guy can do, clearly), or the girl whose hair looks like she just stepped off the set of "Extreme Makeover" - the before part.
Type Eight: The Everything Else Photo
This is for everyone else. I just wanted to be able to categorize everything.
Next: Dissecting the Facebook Profile, Part 2: The Interests