Log in

Ask a Stupid Question 
10:41am 03/11/2006
  Maybe this should be titled, "Here's your sign." Anyway, I got this in my inbox today:

A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned by something in the dog food and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

     Read 1 - Post
I posted this elsewhere yesterday... but... 
11:44am 02/08/2006
mood: thirsty

10. His future speeches will be limited to 15 minutes, tops.

9. The smell of scorched hair as his beard burns off.

8. The Cigars. Not Cuban. Jamaican!

7. Che Guervara's been talking shit about him down there for nearly 40 years already!

6. Tony Curtis chasing him around with one of those little smoke repeller fans all the time.

5. No place to get a good, strong cup of coffee like at home.

4. The way everyone is always kissing Hitler's ass. "It's always Hitler-this and Hitler-that! I'm SICK of it, already!"

3. Stalin, Napoleon, Caligula and Mao get all the babes.

2. The constant heat makes his starched military fatigues get all wrinkly.

And the number one thing Fidel Castro won't like about Hell?

1. His roommate? JFK.
Choose Your Own Adventure 
04:20pm 22/07/2006

Do you remember those old Choose Your Own Adventure novels you read as a kid? I read them all the time. Anyway, I tried making a livejournal Choose Your Own Adventure. Click the link to check it out in my journal. I hope it's worthy of a laugh or two.

Choose Your Own Adventure

12:47am 22/04/2006
  I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading contest. I hit a bookmark.
-- Steven Wright
05:56pm 04/04/2006
mood: awake
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.
-David Letterman
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
-Steven Wright
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
-Dave Barry
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
-Groucho Marx
05:57pm 03/04/2006
mood: awake
quotes by george carlin


someday i wanna see the pope come out on that balcony and give the football scores.
soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport. tap dancing isn't a sport. i rest my case.
bowling isn't a sport because you nave to rent the shoes.
gymnastics is not a sport because romanians are good at it. it took me a long time to come with that rule, but i did it.
Dissecting the Facebook Profile, Part 1: The Photo 
01:34pm 01/04/2006
  Cross-posted from my own journal

Now, as we all know, I'm a slight Facebook whore. Yes, I do my part in carefully poring over my friends' friends and everyone-with-whom-I-went-to-highschool's profiles. I like to find out what people are involved with. But mostly, I like to find out how much of a whore everyone from high school has become. This is presented best by the picture.

Type One: The Self- Photo
This is the one that the person clearly took of themselves. It's off-center, badly angled, and usually most of it is obstructed by the giant flash reflected in the mirror. I'm guilty of this myself. Of course, to justify my own horrible flash picture, I've added "OMG!!!!!11" so I can offset the big white explosion-like blob that makes my head look like a top-heavy rocket ship. And it makes people laugh.

Anyway. These pictures are usually taken by people who aren't really that confident in the idea of letting other people have a hand in dictating how their beautiful visage will be captured so as to be pasted on the internet everywhere. So they trust themselves and, digital camera either backwards in hand or pointed at the mirror, they snap a self-conscious picture of themselves and then photo-edit the hell out of it.

Type Two: The Look What I've Done Photo
These ones are the ones which you want to reach through your computer monitor to their face and just bitchslap it like crazy. They are doing everything you wanted to do (or not) and are proving it to everyone. "Look at me! I'm having my photograph taken with Chuck Norris!" "Look at me! Here I am standing in the streets of London!" It makes everyone sick with either jealousy or annoyance.

These people have usually handed the camera to either their mother ("No, I'm not living with her, SHE'S LIVING WITH ME!") or an unwilling tourist that happened to walk by. They (the people, not the tourists) are so afraid that they've faded into the background during high school that they want to brag about everything they've accomplished thus far by putting something SO AWESOME on their Facebook profile to represent themselves.

Type Three: The It's Not Me Photo
Oh we all know these. It's clearly not the person setting up the profile. A photo of a giant Sesame Street Bert holding a screeching baby? A picture of Will Ferrel in "Anchorman"? An artistic shot of some crummy sunset? Their cat? Any way you slice the waffle, it's not them.

These people think one of two things: a) I'm ugly as fuck and don't want to scare everyone from high school into thinking I stayed that way or b) this picture is HILARIOUS and I want everyone from high school to know I'm HILARIOUS as well. Both types are pretentious posers.

Type Four: The I Party A Whole Fuckin' Lot Photo
This is clearly the most common. Someone in a Halloween costume. Someone taking a hit off a beer bong coming out of someone's crotch. Someone hanging off of someone else's shoulder with an ECSTATIC expression on their faces.

They obviously want you to know that they PARTY A LOT and all the parties they go to are OFF THE HIZZLE. They also want you to know that they are cool and always will be - because they know the difference between Peach Schnapp's and fucking Vitamin Water (which is awesome). These are the same people that are likely to list Fall Out Boy as their favorite band, "The Notebook" as their favorite movie, and have no favorite books (because reading is for pussies. And nerds).

Type Five: The This is Me With My Life Partner Photo
They have their arms deftly wrapped around the waist/shoulder of another human being (or sheep) and gaze at the camera or off into the distance as if to say, "I know what love is and I know that you'll never have what I have. We know all the secrets and we'll never share them with you. See the sparkle in our eyes? That's the twinkle of a thousand suns, burning just for my sweetheart. Also, I/my partner have/has a small penis."

Just ignore these. They will all end in divorce within seven years, when the husband realizes that sex with his secretary is indeed the best way to warm up a frosty cold front with the wife. No, it's not a cliche and yes, it happens in real life. To the people who put it on Facebook.

Type Six: The I'm a Stupid Whore/Bastard Grinning Like a Douche Photo
These people just grin like someone planted a fucking set of wax lips (remember those? They rocked) in their mouths. They have the facial expression of "take the fucking picture before I yank your testicles through your nostrils - and you don't have testicles." You can always tell. But by some accident, the picture turned out decent, so they decided to use it. Yay for you! Oh and they're usually holding a beer.

Type Seven: The Group of People of Which I am One of But I'm Not Telling You Who Photo
You know these. There's a bunch of people in the photo, but you don't know who is the actual one we're supposed to think owns the profile. Now naturally we can assume one thing. The person was clearly not proud enough of themselves to draw an artsy little bright orange arrow claiming "ME!" so the profile owner is the most butt-ugly one in the photo. That's right, folks. Look for the chick with snaggle teeth, the guy whose collar isn't popped (because that is the most attractive thing a guy can do, clearly), or the girl whose hair looks like she just stepped off the set of "Extreme Makeover" - the before part.

Type Eight: The Everything Else Photo
This is for everyone else. I just wanted to be able to categorize everything.

Next: Dissecting the Facebook Profile, Part 2: The Interests
     Read 3 - Post
05:34pm 31/03/2006
mood: awake
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
12:28pm 30/03/2006
mood: tired
an actual conversation i had w/a nun that called my office

me: so how long you been a nun?
sister mary: 38 years
me: why would you do that? - uh, i mean, that's great...
sister mary: next time i call, i'm going to ask for you
me: and i'm going to deny ever knowing you
sister: i've been hyper efficient today
me: i'm sorry to hear that - are you on something?
sister: haha - no, really
me: if i was like that, they'd think i was on something
07:21am 27/03/2006
  george carlin quotes:

a meltdown sounds like fun. like some kind of cheese sandwich.


i often hear otherwise intelligent people complaining about drivers who slow down when driving past a traffic accident. they curse them and call them "rubberneckers". i don't understand this at all. i am never in too big a hurry that i can't stop and watch someone else's suffering.


gymnastics is not a sport because romanians are good at it. it took me a long time to come up with that rule, but i did it.
12:25pm 20/03/2006
mood: sick
Subject: Wanna be a Millionaire?

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it
A)the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot.She did not know the answer.And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline,and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it.Mainly because the onlyfriend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy.The answer is C: The
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
One minute later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you--that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including ! the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant."Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the
assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests.............they live in clocks."
07:26pm 09/03/2006
  Dear people,

In an effort to be topical I have decided to keep a daily blog that will consist of a letter written to Netflix each day concerning this whole throttling business. Make no mistake: I am a big fan of Netflix but the throttling.. she makes me less than happy. Hence I see no alternative but to unleash upon Netflix a series of empty and ridiculous threats. They are meant solely to amuse and so, as such, I am linking the site here along with every other comedy and writing community I can track down... because, you know, I like being validated for the things I do.


Please read and enjoy!


Pwning Dan
02:17pm 09/03/2006
mood: bouncy
My cousin and her friend went skiing. Now anyone who has ever skied knows that you wear a lot of warm clothes in layers, right? Well, the slopes were packed and the lines were long. They were almost to the lift when her friend said, “ I really have to go pee.” Gloria said, “Oh no, we’re not getting out of this line. You wait until we’re at the top and you can pee there.” Such authority in her voice, her friend complied. When they got to the top, her friend went out behind a tree and started to peel off clothing. She was squatting down with her “bib” around her knees but when she stood up her skis’ came together and, yep, pointed downward! Off she went, with her clothes around her ankles and her butt up in the air. Well, she crashed, and someone called the ski patrol. As though the humiliation of having to go through that wasn’t enough….

She was in the First Aide office waiting to see the doctor for a fractured ankle and began a casual conversation with a guy sitting there with an apparent broken leg. She asked him what had happened to him and he said, “Oh my Gawd, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. There I was skiing down this hill when this woman flew past me with her pants down and her bare butt up in the air! I was staring at her and crashed into a tree, and broke my leg!!
The new flu 
01:40pm 28/02/2006
  A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
10:11am 27/02/2006
mood: awake
Try this, it's a lot of fun! Enjoy

Beware the Wrath of Women 
04:09pm 11/02/2006
  3 people were applying for jobs with the CIA, 2 men and 1 woman. Their interviewer says, "ok you've made it this far, now whoever can do this task best will get the job. The first man goes up and is given a gun. "all you have to do is shoot your wife. He goes into the room with his wife and comes out a few seconds later; he couldn't do it. The same happens for the last man. Now it's the woman's turn, she is given the gun and told to shoot her husband. She goes in. Some banging and screaming is heard.
She comes out triumphantly but says: "Why the hell did you give me an unloaded gun? I had to use a fucking chair!"
MEMO to: All Personnel 
12:41pm 06/02/2006
  Subject: Cursing at Work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f____ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources
08:33am 06/02/2006
  have you ever noticed that when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? and anyone going' faster than you is a maniac?

george carlin
03:25pm 02/02/2006
  "y'know, i'm not a republican - but i am saving up to be one..."

- emo phillips
12:51pm 02/02/2006
  An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins? "
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, I just can't believe you got laid twice!"